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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to
the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up.  "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago.”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there

for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,

the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it

is only fair,given that you are blind,  that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there

for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,

the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it

is only fair,given that you are blind,  that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey ...  He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant  my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you,  Vinnie